One day, nearly 15 years ago, Tony Belcher set about project managing one of the most complex manoeuvres of his career.
First, he fabricated a story about a job going pear-shaped. Then, under the pretence of needing advice on how to handle the situation, he asked for separate meetings with each of his five fellow equity partners at building consultancy Mellersh & Harding.
On every occasion, which he spread out over the course of two weeks, he would rush off home early to change before heading back into central London to meet his peers one by one. As a woman.
“They were all pretty gobsmacked,” says Antonia, now post-transition.
“I imagine each of them left the wine bar we met in and went straight on to another one to get over the shock. But just before the end of each of those meetings, I told them all the same thing. I said, ‘If you need a year, take it. Think about it. But after that I am planning to come into work in a frock. If you know you can’t live with it, tell me the soonest. Because I will just go. But I would like to stay.”
It turned out the partners did not need a year.
A decision was made within a month that when the company moved offices the following year, Antonia would officially start work. And she stayed for five years until she made the decision to go independent eight years ago.
Belcher worked with the same clients she had when she was “Tony with a ‘y’ ”, as she refers to her former self. And most people who knew her before her transition have been entirely accepting of her since.
But Belcher knows she was lucky. For many, transitioning remains a process fraught with hurdles and challenges which can very easily be exacerbated in the workplace, often inadvertently.
Changing names, titles and pronouns can be confusing, not just for the person transitioning but for their friends, family and colleagues, particularly those who knew them well before.
But there is help and guidance for businesses to pass down to their teams to help them navigate a world which even the trans community struggles to fully comprehend at times.
Pronoun options
Earlier this year, HSBC Bank released 10 gender-neutral pronouns to help trans customers. This is the full list of current options:
■ Mr ■ Mrs ■ Miss ■ Ms ■ Mx ■ Ind ■ M ■ Mre ■ Msr ■ Myr ■ Pr ■ Sai ■ Ser ■ Misc
“It is definitely true that the LGBT community gets confused too,” says Rachel Reese, a member of the Law Society’s LGBT lawyers division committee and director of Global Butterflies, a consultancy specialising in trans inclusivity.
“The big problem is that there has been an explosion of language in the last five years as we understand gender identity more. There is a lot of exploration and people are trying to find new language to explain their gender identity depending on how they feel and where they are on their journey.
“Obviously gender language changes during their transition. So we do have a big discussion in the trans space about language and it is hard to find an agreement. It’s fine, we muddle through, but it must be quite difficult for employers or people who are coming to this subject for the first time.
“There are three stages when you are meeting a trans person: their name – and you must not use their old name, that’s called ‘dead naming’; their title, which is easy to ask for; and their pronouns.
If you get someone’s pronouns wrong, just apologise and move on. Don’t make a big thing of it.”
Rachel Reese
“I tell employers, you have to ask yourself why you need to know someone’s pronouns. I have a ‘two ships in the night’ rule.
“When you are working with someone, you do need to know someone’s pronouns so you can address them properly. If it is someone, say, on reception then it is not as important, just use their name…but if you are going to be interacting with them then you must ask their pronouns and the polite way to do that is to ask and then give yours.
“You could say, ‘I would love to know what your pronouns are. Mine are she and her.’ And that’s fine and we are very used to being asked those questions.
“If you get someone’s pronouns wrong, just apologise and move on. Don’t make a big thing of it.
“I would say always start with a version of gender-neutral if you are unsure. The most common form of that is ‘they, them, their’, and if that’s wrong they will correct you. But they will have appreciated the fact you switched to gender-neutral.”
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