Christmas is going to be very different for many of us, so it’s important to cling onto some welcome normality wherever we find it. Traditions after all are important. Traditions like, for instance, the Queen’s speech, The Snowman on Channel 4, and the annual press release comparing values of vaguely festive fictional properties. This year, it is estate agency Keller Williams that has crunched the numbers, though sadly it has kept things rather domestic, thereby excluding the perennial favourite that is the McCallister residence in Home Alone. They have made a couple of novel choices though, for which we give them credit. After all, who would not want to live like Mr Bean? Or, indeed, Wallace and Gromit? Freed from the strictures of a print page this week, Diary happily presents Keller Williams’ entire top 10, counting up from cheapest to most epically expensive – Merry Christmas!
Gavin & Stacey: £181,961
“Fingers are tightly crossed for a 2020 Christmas special,” the agent says, but in the meantime, Gavin and Stacey’s two-bed terraced house on Trinity Street in Barry, South Wales, is “a steal vs the wider average of £253,768 in the area”.
Wallace & Gromit: £236,200
The “cheese loving duo” apparently live in a detached home on 62 West Wallaby Street in Wigan (one to remember for pub quizzers), which makes their property “the second most affordable in the Christmas tele line up”.
Harry Potter: £379,080
“4 Privet Drive is now famous as the home of a young Harry Potter and his less than welcoming aunt and uncle,” notes Keller Williams. A similar semi-detached property in Bracknell Forest would cost “a magical £63,000 more than the wider average for the area”.
Mr Bean: £446,000
The “calamitous TV icon” lives at Flat 2, Arbour Road in expensive Highbury – so he must be doing something right.
Only Fools and Horses: £404,285
“Not quite millionaires,” the agent admits, “but the property market in Peckham has come a long way since the Trotters first moved in”, with the average price for a flat now north of £400,000.
The Vicar of Dibley: £795,000
Reverend Geraldine Grainger’s Windmill Cottage in Turville may well come with the job, but would set you back an ungodly figure on the open market.
Bridget Jones: £945,000
“If you want to live near Bridget, her one-bed flat near Borough Market in London’s SE1 postcode would set you back an eye-watering £945,000; £150,000 more than the wider average in the area.”
Sherlock: £2.199m
221b Baker Street is one of – if not the – most famous addresses in all of fiction, so it is elementary that it attracts a premium price tag.
Absolutely Fabulous: £3m
“Edina Monsoon’s Holland Park terraced home wasn’t cheap when she claimed to have paid £1.5m back in the 90s,” the impeccably researched Keller Williams points out. But now, sweetie, darling, she’s doubled her money. Get the bubbly out, Patsy.
Downton Abbey: £137m
It’s “pretty much impossible to value such an estate”, the agent concedes, but Highclere Castle, home of Downton, commands nine figures.
We’ll give the final word on this to CEO (and, presumably, Christmas telly addict) Ben Taylor, who said: “To think, you could buy yourself Wallace and Gromit’s detached home, complete with all the weird and wonderful contraptions they’ve added to it, for £800,000 less than the one-bed flat from Bridget Jones. I know which one I’d rather spend Christmas in.”
If you’re happy and you know it, sell your house
Regular Diary readers will both know that we love a nonsense street names story… almost as much as we love the “regular readers will both know” gag. It’s too early to know whether the aspirational road signs noted last week (Diversity Grove, Equality Road, Destiny Road, Inspire Avenue, Respect Way and Humanity Close) will send house prices soaring in Birmingham – perhaps we will hear more in 2021. But we can share with you, thanks to regular correspondents Bankrate, that happy street names can very much put a smile on property owners’ faces. After analysing thousands of road names in England and Wales, the mortgage comparison specialists “discovered” that having one that is considered “positive” or “happy” can increase a property’s value by an average of £24,830. Leading the way is the delightful Chipper, which adds a whopping £56,571, ahead of Pretty (£44,918) and Gay (presumably in its Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas sense) worth £40,293. Other street names to spread both cheer and prosperity include Pleasure, Dancers (double bubble for Pleasure Dancers?), Beam, Heaven, Merry, Peace, Eager and, of course, Happy. But only in England and Wales. “On the whole, living on a positive street in Scotland puts you at a disadvantage, with an overall average decreased value of £34,781,” Bankrate reports, to which Diary will make no comment.
They could have been a contender…
Instead, it seems, they are a chartered surveyor. And they’re not happy with their lot. Now, it seems, Fesshole has clearly had enough. “I’m a chartered surveyor and lucky to be well paid and have a relatively secure job,” @fesshole wrote on Twitter. “I f***ing hate it and have no passion for my work. I wanted to study film but was talked into it by my dad who walked out of my life not long after. I regret it every day I wake up.” Alas, Twitter is not the place to go for empathy. “Are there any chartered surveyors with a passion for their job?” asked one reply. “Would be way more interesting to hear from someone who was passionate about being a surveyor,” quipped another. But one wag kept their suggestion short and simple: “Make a film about it ‘The Surveyor’.” Well, Diary for one would watch it.
A military operation
Like most of us, local authority planning committees are now accustomed to running their meetings virtually. But amid the raft of unfortunately timed freezeframes and exasperated cries of “you’re on mute”, there can still be some surprises, as this week’s planning meeting at Cardiff Council showed. Councillors were confused when one of the attendees accidentally shared their screen – on which they were watching the meeting using the charming “Together” mode on Teams, which shows cutouts of all participants sitting alongside one another in a lecture hall. Someone really does miss those face-to-face meetings. Or going to the cinema. Or both. The meeting was, nevertheless, a productive one, with approval for the UK’s Museum of Military Medicine to move to the city with a new five-storey HQ, despite objections from residents, including concerns over loss of a children’s play area. Great news for Cardiff tourism, though a double blow for local kids. Not only do they lose their playground, but now they’ll face school trips to the Museum of Military Medicine.
